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It's still snowing.

Not like the last couple of days, this time it's sparse and slow. It should be beautiful, but I don't like it. It looks like gravity is straining.

Too much

Too much to do, so I do nothing.

Too many thoughts, too much work,
too much to open up about... about things i'd rather not say at all.

There's always so much going on in my head, it makes me feel dizzy & sick. All the things I say aloud are just filler to keep jamming all the other shit the back of my mind. But it's never at the back of my mind. It fills up the majority of my day. Thinking about all the things I need to do, and work through.

Sometimes I think if I opened up more I wouldn't get walked all over so much. It's good to laugh painful things off, but I think do it too easily and it makes me vulnerable to more hurt in the future. I wonder if people view me as vulnerable and careless.

I usually put out such a happy and carefree image that friends and family get shocked when all the things I'm hiding suddenly surface, and I find myself in really bad state that can't be cover up with smiling & laughing any longer.

So much... and no motivation.

I need time.
No, I have time. I just do nothing with it.

Wallow. wallow. wallow.
I feel up & down today.

i also wish my mum had thrown me into vocal lessons.
today is weird.
my head hurts and my stomach hurts.

Am I stupid?

or is this wrong?

So both charts are Tourist Arrivals between 1950 and 2004
The first chart shows just The Americas & Asia and the Pacific, the second chart shows both of those plus 3 more regions.

Is it just me or do the numbers not add up?
Eg. according to the chart there were 16.7 million arrivals in the Americas in 1960.
But on the graph it looks more like 60 million...


Is there a new fancy way to read these graphs that no one told me about? :( hilf mir

btw, I'm asking the internet because it's an online course and I'm not going to email them and wait until after the weekend for a reply.
Kat & I decided to go to South Korea.
I have $40

this isn't going to work lol.

I'm dumb

So I realized from playing Brain Age 2, that whenever the simple math problems 8+5, 8+6, or 8+7 show up, my brain goes blank.

I seriously have to think about it really hard and usually still get it wrong. It's really weird :( My brain doesn't like those numbers.

lol k that's all ㅋㅋ


Well, my trip to Toronto turned pointless as I've had bronchitis since Saturday.
I was supposed to go out on Monday with Vera & Vera#2 to meet Andrew and then afterwards go to see Paranormal Activity with Vera & DongChan but I was too sick :( On Tuesday I was supposed to go to The Royal with family & friends but that also didn't happen because I woke up with a fever and it was gross.

Except to go the clinic, I stayed inside everyday and watched TLC.



Yesterday was terrible.

This is going to be a wall of text, you don't have to read it if you don't want. But since I don't express my feelings well in person, I find it better to write them.

In the morning was Joe's funeral. I tossed & turned the night before, one of those nights where you're not actually sure if you fell asleep between each hour that you check the clock. Josh came over to my house to pick me up and we went together. When we got there we met up with Luke, who was Joe's best friend growing up ever since they were 4.

It was an open casket. Although I haven't seen Joe since grade 10 (and even then we weren't that close, just within the same circle of friends that would eat together in the caf) and he changed A LOT since then, I still could see it was him. I didn't even go near the casket, but even from the back of the room I could see... he looked just like a little kid. I always thought he looked way younger than his age, even with the hardened exterior he tried to show. He didn't look like a 19 year old... just a kid... his freckles are probably the thing I remember most about his appearance. They had him dressed in a suit that made sure to cover his neck... and he was wearing a baseball cap. Maybe that's what added to him looking like a kid. Freckles & a baseball cap.

The lady they hired to do the funeral was horrible. Really gung-ho, upbeat, optimistic type. This type of person I hate most in two situations: early in the morning, and at a funeral. She started off with "Good Morning." *silence* "Good Morning!!" *awkward response from everyone* Seriously??! Is this fucking grade 1? Although it clearly was a piece of shit morning, she tried to make sunshine and rainbows out of everything. Yes, we want to celebrate the life of this person, but when it's the sudden unexpected suicide of a 19 year old kid, everyone is in shock... it was just a bad atmosphere and very inappropriate.

I kept it together until she invited people up to talk about Joe. Hearing other people tell through their tears and grief all the stories of him was what made me cry. Everyone lightheartedly reflected on how Joe was the type of person you'd want to smack in the mouth one minute, and hug tightly the very next. Although I don't remember much of him, it seemed about right to me.

Although Josh and I originally planned to hightail it out of there before the actual funeral service started, we ended up staying the whole time. On the drive back, we both agreed that we had just put ourselves through unneccessary emotion and it would've been better not to go in the first place. I don't know if this is really true for Josh, as he was really close with Joe up until grade 10 when Josh moved to another town/high school and people started changing. It was true for me though. I wasn't close with Joe. I accepted what happened and I didn't need closure. But I went anyways. I went because my friends needed support. I went and I don't want to regret it but I kind of do.

It was about an hour after I got back from the funeral when my dad called me from work to break even more bad news to me. A woman that my family was very, very close with, for my entire life and even before I was born... passed away in the morning from complications of H1N1. She contracted the swine flu, and because her lungs are weak with asthma, she got pneumonia and passed within days. Other than asthma, she was a perfectly healthy 38 year old woman. My dad used to play music with her husband, my dad on the guitar and her husband on the bass. I remember watching them get married when I was only 4 or 5 years old, and after several years they had two daughters, Stephanie & Elizabeth. I think the oldest one is probably about 9 years old.

It's really devestating. There were a bunch of families that were very close back in the city I used to live in. All the parent's were friends, all the oldest children would babysit everyone's younger children. And right now, everyone is brought back together to grieve.

My parent's are making the 4 hour trip back there for the funeral on Monday. We were originally planning on going back at the end of next week anyway to visit family, but this is totally different and I can't handle the atmosphere of grief anymore. I can't decide if I'll stay here, or go with my family and just avoid the funeral.

Anyways, I guess I've run out of things to say. I can't tell if my head feels more clear, or more burdened from having to think of all this at once.

Hopefully some sleep tonight (Ha, it's already past 3am) will help sort out my head a bit more.

Rest in Peace, Joe & Nancy. (and my fish, ugh)

Things.. idk

Sooo... Halloween. Threw together a last minute outfit. (because originally I wasn't planning on doing anything) Yes, it's half-assed, but it reminds me of Wild Bunny.... I should of spent the entire night pouting like Taec *>.<*

In other 2PM news...

&... in TVXQ news.. I don't even want to go there ahh D:

I need sleep.. tomorrow morning I have to take my cat to the vet so they can figure out what's wrong with her (I'm thinking lymphnoma *cries*) and then headed to the Orthodontist to get my mouth tortured some more.

This entry is such a downer, I'm sorry ♥
! [ K a t ]* ๏̯͡๏) (um) says: (7:40:32 PM)
maybe they're going to cut him in half
! [ K a t ]* ๏̯͡๏) (um) says: (7:40:37 PM)
and half can be in seattle
! [ K a t ]* ๏̯͡๏) (um) says: (7:40:41 PM)
and half can be in korea
! [ K a t ]* ๏̯͡๏) (um) says: (7:40:55 PM)
or maybe jyp is going to dress up in jay's clothes
! [ K a t ]* ๏̯͡๏) (um) says: (7:40:58 PM)
so he can dance again
! [ K a t ]* ๏̯͡๏) (um) says: (7:41:04 PM)
and show off his nice body
! [ K a t ]* ๏̯͡๏) (um) says: (7:41:11 PM)
to distract people from his face



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February 2010


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